Twilight: A Musical Parody
by AutumnDreamer
Summary: What would happen if the reluctant cast of Twilight hit Broadway in a crappy, low budget stage production of Twilight? CRACK
1. The Playbill

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Twilight_ nor any of the Broadway shows that are spoofed in this parody.

**EXPLANATION:** I always get my ideas when I'm driving. I actually drive for both my jobs so this means I can actually brain storm quite a bit. The other morning I was thinking of stories I wanted to read. I remembered that I hadn't gotten to [Restless to Climb]. [RtC] is a Twilight fan fiction with the characters on Broadway in NYC. I love NYC. I love Broadway. I love Twilight. I got to thinking what Twilight would be like if it was on Broadway. Then my mind went wacko and created a crackfic. I seriously want to know what the hell they put in the coffee at work. It's gotta be the coffee they make that did this to me.

Every musical has a Playbill, so the first chapter is the Playbill. I actually plan on making a graphic for this eventually. This may change slightly as time goes on, based on what I write. I figure it's no big deal though.

Keep in mind when you read this that it's a performance, not a novel. So, sit down and imagine that you're in a theater.

**Disclaimer:** I can't usually rhyme to save my life, so bear with me!

* * *

**PLAYBILL**

**TWILIGHT: A MUSICAL PARODY**

**CAST**

(in order of appearance)

Isabella "Bella" Marie Swan……………………………………….KRISTEN STEWART  
Chorus…………………………...BILLY BURKE, CHRISTIAN SERRANTOS, JUSTIN  
CHON, GREGORY TYREE BOYCE, GIL BIRMINGHAM,  
TAYLOR LAUTNER, SOLOMON TRIMBLE  
Eric Yorkie………………………………………………………………...JUSTIN CHON  
Mike Newton…………………………………………………………MICHAEL WELCH  
Jessica Stanley………………………………………………………..ANNA KENDRICK  
Angela Weber…………………………………………………..CHRISTIAN SERRATOS  
Tyler Crowley………………………………………………GREGORY TYREE BOYCE  
Emmett Cullen…………………………………………………….……...KELLAN LUTZ  
Rosalie Hale…………………………………………………………..……..NIKKI REED  
Jasper Hale………………………………………………………JACKSON RATHBONE  
Alice Cullen………………………………………………….………..ASHLEY GREENE  
Edward Cullen……………………………………………………...ROBERT PATTISON  
Charlie Swan…………………………………………………..………….BILLY BURKE  
Jacob Black…………………………………………………………TAYLOR LAUTNER  
Billy Black……………………………………………………..…….GIL BIRMINGHAM  
Dr. Carlisle Cullen…………………………………………………...PETER FACINELLI  
Esme Cullen…………………………………………………...…..ELIZABETH REASER  
Sam Uley………………………………………………………….SOLOMON TRIMBLE  
Laurent……………………………………………………………………..EDI GATHEGI  
Victoria………………………………………………………..….RACHELLE LEFEVRE  
James…………………………………………………………………...CAM GIGANDET

**WHO'S WHO IN THE CAST**

**KRISTEN STEWART** (Isabella "Bella" Marie Swan) has been in several movies before hitting the Broadway stage. She would like to thank everyone in the cast for their support.

**ROBERT PATTINSON** (Edward Cullen) is contractually obligated to appear in _Twilight: A Musical Parody. _"Its only saving grace is that I can sing, albeit, bloody horrible songs." Robert would like to thank his hair for never calming down and being his signature look. "They don't call me Spunk for nothing." Robert's big break was his role in two Harry Potter films as Cedric Diggory.

**BILLY BURKE** (Charlie Swan) would like to thank the writers of the show for remembering the character of Charlie. Billy has guest starred in several television shows along with his porn stache and tallboy.

**KELLAN LUTZ** (Emmett Cullen) has guest stared in several television shows such as _CSI, 90210_ and _Heroes_. He's also appeared in the movies _Prom Night, Stick It_ and _Generation Kill._ He's happy to be on Broadway so he can show of his "mad dancing and singing skills."

**PETER FACINELLI** (Dr. Carlisle Cullen) would like to thank his wife, Jennie Garth, for allowing him to "participate in this flop of a show". Peter would also like to thank the members of the "Hot Bitch" crew for their nightly entertaining visits. Peter has guest stared in several television shows and movies; most notably _Can't Hardly Wait, Riding in Cars with Boys, _and the television show _Damages_.

**JUSTIN CHON** (Eric Yorkie), **MICHAEL WELCH** (Mike Newton), **ANNA KENDRICK** (Jessica Stanley), **CHRISTIAN SERRATOS** (Angela Weber) and **GREGORY TYREE BOYCE** (Tyler Crowley) are all excited to be in their first production. They collectively convinced Summit Entertainment that they should also be billed as the Chorus. It was strictly for the money.

**TAYLOR LAUTNER** (Jacob Black) is beyond excited to be in his first stage production. So much so that he has to be sedated every day. Taylor is best known for his role in _The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl_.

**CAM GIGANDET** (James) has been in several movies such as _Never Back Down, Who's Your Caddy?_ and many television shows, most notably, _The OC_ and _The Young and the Restless_. Cam has a black belt in the Israeli martial art of Krav Maga.

**ELIZABETH REASER** (Esme Cullen) was tickled pink when she learned Esme Cullen would be written in for the stage production of _Twilight._ Elizabeth is best known for her role of Jane Doe on several episodes of _Grey's Anatomy._ For a short time Elizabeth fronted her own show on CBS entitled _The Ex-List._ She last appeared onstage in _Top Girls_ at the Williamstown Theatre Festival in Massachusetts.

**NIKKI REED** (Rosalie Hale) is a very versatile young woman. She co-wrote the movie _Thirteen_ and has appeared in _Lords of Dogtown_.

**ASHLEY GREENE** (Alice Cullen) is quite new to the acting world, having only been in a few productions. She's guest starred on _Crossing Jordon_ and has several movies lined up.

**GIL BIRMINGHAM** (Billy Black) is happy to be a part of the _Twilight_ cast. He's appeared in _Into the West _and _Dreamkeeper_ and several other roles as, well, a non-descript Native American.

**JACKSON RATHBONE** (Jasper Cullen) is also quite new to the acting world but has racked up quite a few credits. He's appeared on _Close to Home_, _Beautiful People, The War at Home_ and _The Cleaner_.

**SOLOMON TRIMBLE** (Sam Uley) is excited about this first Broadway experience. Solomon is very multi-talented—not only does he act but Solomon has modeled and plays several instruments. Solomon has also tackled several dance styles including ballet, hip-hop and salsa.

**RACHELLE LEFEVRE** (Victoria) has been in several television and movies since 1999. Her most notable roles have been on _Life on Mars, CSI, Eli Stone_ and _Swingtown_. She's excited to be in her first Broadway production "even if it's _Twilight._"

**EDI GATHEGI **(Laurent) has started to become a very in demand. He broke out with his role in the file _Gone, Baby Gone_ and has appeared on several episodes of _House, M.D._.


	2. Scenes and Musical Numbers

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight nor any of the Broadway shows that are being spoofed. Please don't sue me! This is all in good fun.

This list will be expanded as time goes on. I have an idea of where I'm going but everything may not be in the correct order yet, so I'm only listing what I know is set.

**

* * *

****SCENES AND MUSICAL NUMBERS**

**Act One**

Scene 1:  
**Bella's bedroom  
**"Good Morning, Forks"……………………………………Bella & Chorus

Scene 2:  
**Forks High School Parking Lot  
**"Talk of the Town"……………………………………………………Bella  
**Forks High School Class Room  
**"Crush on Bella Swan"………….……………………………….....…Mike

Scene 3:  
**Forks High School Gym  
**"I'm a Klutz"………………………………………………………….Bella  
"Jealous"…………………………………………………………….Jessica  
"I'm a Klutz/Jealous Mix"………………………………....Jessica & Bella

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**A/N:** For any of you that are confused, the actual story starts in the next "chapter".


	3. Act 1, Scene 1 & 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Twilight_ or any of the Broadway shows that are being spoofed. Please don't sue me! This is all in good fun.

* * *

**ACT ONE, SCENE 1**

The stage is dark. The top and the sides of the stage are framed with green trees. The lights slowly come on, showing a female lying in an upright bed. An alarm clock rings, the lights come on fully and the covers on the female come flying off and she sits up.

CHORUS:  
_BELLA!_

BELLA:  
_Oh, oh, oh  
__Woke up today  
__Feeling the way I always do_

CHORUS:  
_Depressed!_

BELLA:  
_Oh, oh, oh  
__Good morning, Forks  
__The rhythm of this town  
__Really puts me down  
__Like a message from low below  
__Oh, oh, oh  
__Good morning, Forks  
__Why do you have to be so damn depressing?_

Bella jumps from the bed fully dressed, sits at her vanity and applies some make up. She grabs her books and the scene shifts to outside. Bella jumps into an ancient beat up red Chevy truck (or at least the card board cut out of one).

_Good morning, Forks!  
__Here my life is like an open book  
__I haven't even made it through the first day of school  
__But yet everyone knows my name  
__How weird is that?_

The scenery changes behind Bella as she "drives" to school. Bella reaches school and falls out of her truck. The other people on stage laugh at her. She stands up and brushes her clothes off. Bella takes a wad of paper out of her back pocket and examines it. She starts walking.

_And when I take the floor,  
__The world is gonna wake up and see  
__How much of a klutz I can be!  
G__ood morning, Forks!  
__You're not a spork!_

**ACT 1, SCENE 2**

Eric: You must be Isabel-la!

Bella: Um, yeah, and you are?

Eric: The Forks High School welcoming committee! [He extends a hand to her] I'm Eric Yorkie, at your service. [He bows]

Another boy with spiky, blonde hair walks up next to Eric.

Mike: Hi! I'm Mike Newton. You must be Isabella Swan!

Bella:  
_How do they know me?  
__Why must I be the talk of the town?  
__Why does my father Charlie  
__Have to live in such a crap little town?_

_When you fart everyone must know it  
__All the girls must know each other cycles  
__This is too much information for everyone to know.  
__All this little crap bothers me!_

Mike can't stop staring at Bella as they walk. The scenery changes behind them to a class room. Bella and Mike sit down at a set of desks.

Mike:  
_I've got a crush on Bella Swan  
__I've got a crush so bad, you see  
__She should be mine!  
__She's just so fine!  
__What a beautiful girl_

_I need to be around her all the time  
__How can I convince her to go out with me?_

_I am  
__Such a  
__Dork you see!  
__I've got a crush on Bella Swan  
__Oh, help me, please!_

Mike and Bella settle in for their class. The day passes and the class room scenery changes behind them.


	4. Act 1, Scene 3, 4 & 5

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Twilight_, any Broadway show and I'm not the person that wrote _Blood_ which is performed by My Chemical Romance. I mean no copy right infringement, this is all in good fun, so please don't sue me!

In the first chapter the first song that I parodied was _Good Morning, Baltimore_ from **Hairspray**. Anything else was totally made up by me. Should I do a playlist, listing the songs and their real companion?

In this chapter, almost all the songs are made up by me. You can tell cuz they're downright horrible. The last one was very slightly inspired by My Chemical Romance. I threw in a little bit from their song _Blood_, but it was hardly anything. _We are the Cullens_ was meant to be lifted slightly from _We are the Altar Boyz_ from **Altar Boyz** but it didn't end up that way. I used it later on instead for _We are the Vampires_. I also plan on butchering _December 1963 (Oh What a Night)_ from **Jersey Boys** which will turn into _December 1918 (Oh What a Night)_ and _Mama, I'm a Big Girl Now_ from **Hairspray** which will be turned into _Daddy, I'm a Big Vampire Now_. If you have any Broadway song suggestions, please feel free to drop me a line.

Thanks to anyone reading this. I actually got a comment that said something like, "No offence, but this isn't funny, why don't you write a storyline?" So, not everyone gets this. I know this must be the most stupidest thing you've ever read. If you have any ideas of things you'd like to see, feel free to comment or PM me. This is a crack fic, I can pretty much do what the hell ever I feel like. I don't even have a beta for this shit.

* * *

**ACT 1, SCENE 3**

Bella is now in gym class with a net in front of her.

Bella:  
_I'm such a klutz  
__But not a putz  
__I have no natural ability  
__To hit a ball over a net  
__I'd much rather  
__Go to the MET!_

A volleyball flies toward Bella and she attempts to hit it. It soars toward Mike and hits him in the head. Bella goes over to apologize. Another girl walks up to the two of them.

Jessica: Are you okay, Mike?

Mike: I'm fine. Hey, Bella, this is my friend, Jessica.

Bella: Hi, Jessica. It's nice to meet you.

Jessica:  
_I'm jealous  
__Of the new girl  
__Why are all the boys staring at her?  
__My boobs are bigger  
__Than hers._

_What does she have  
__That I don't?  
__What do the boys all see?  
__I'm jealous  
__Of the new girl_

_What a bitch this is gonna be_

Jessica: Hi Bella! I've heard about you. I hope we'll be great friends!

Jessica:  
_I'm jealous_

Bella:  
_I'm such a klutz_

Jessica:  
_Of the new girl_

Bella:  
_Not a putz_

Jessica:  
_My boobs are bigger_

Bella:  
_I have no natural ability_

Jessica:  
_Her style is horrible_

Bella:  
_I'll hurt someone with my clumsiness_

Jessica:  
_I bet she doesn't put out like me_

Bella:  
_I can't hit a ball over the net_

Jessica:  
_She's a plain Mary Sue, such a plain Mary Sue!_

Bella:  
_I can't kick a ball in a goal_

Jessica:  
_My ass is firmer_

Bella:  
_I'm just a plain girl as you can see _

Bella and Jessica:  
_What a bitch this is gonna be!_

**ACT 1, SCENE 4**

The three of them talk pleasantly to one another for a moment; Jessica's animosity toward Bella is temporarily forgotten. The scene changes and now they are in the cafeteria. Bella sits down with Jessica, Mike and Eric at a table. Two more young people walk over and join them.

Jessica: Angela, have you met Bella yet?

Angela: No, I haven't. Hi, Bella, it's nice to meet you. Wait, I think I saw you in one of my classes earlier.

Bella smiles sheepishly.

Angela: Yeah, you tripped over your own feet on the way to your desk.

Tyler: Hi, I'm Tyler. It's nice to meet your acquaintance.

Tyler takes Bella's hand and kisses the back of it. Mike and Eric groan in disgust. Jessica rolls her eyes.

Angela and Tyler sit down and the five of them chatter. Through holes in the scenery meant to be windows, you can see a group of five gorgeous looking people loitering around. Two of them make their way inside and toward a table in super slow motion.

Bella: Who are they?

Jessica: That's the Cullens.

Angela: They're Jessica's sore spot.

Jessica: Are not! They just think they're better than everyone else. It's weird. They're all adopted or are foster children and yet, they're all together. It's kind of incestuous if you ask me.

Bella: All together? They're all dating?

Emmett and Rosalie are now only halfway to their table.

Jessica: That's Emmett Cullen and Rosalie Hale.

Jasper and Alice walk through the door and walk in Emmett and Rosalie's direction in super slow motion.

Bella: And them?

Jessica: That's Jasper Hale, twin of Rosalie and Alice Cullen. Jasper always looks like he has a stick shoved up his ass.

Bella: Ouch.

Angela: I talked to him once; he seems like a nice guy.

Jessica: You think anyone that talks to you is nice.

The four Cullen family members make it over to the table and sit down. They look like the epitome of the high school cool crowd. The remaining boy slowly opens the door to the cafeteria and steps inside. [Claps and screams of "Bite me, Robert!" and "Give me your spunk!" from the crowd make Kristen wait to say her next line.]

Bella: Who's _that_?

He starts to slowly make his way over to his siblings.

Jessica: That's Edward Cullen, the only unattached one. Don't waste your time, he doesn't date. No one is good enough for him. I've tried. [Jessica sniffs] I think he's gay.

Edward chuckles as he walks by. Bella turns to see him walk past them. She licks her lips. Bella continues to stare.

Jessica: Yeah, he has a nice ass.

Angela: Mmmhmmm

The lights dim on Bella and her new friends. The Cullens continue to sit at their table, looking gloomy and murmuring quietly to one another. Music slowly begins to build. They get up and dance during the music.

Edward:

_We aren't incestuous  
__But I'd like to confess_

Emmett:  
_Our living arrangements are kind of weird_

Rosalie:  
_We're not really related_

Jasper:  
_I'm not constipated_

Alice:  
_He's just not that animated_

All:  
_We are the Cullens  
__Cold and pale skin  
__We keep to our selves  
__No human will get in_

Edward:  
_We are the Cullens  
__Slightly different from all the rest  
__Always dressed our best  
__Jasper's always so sullen_

Alice glares at Edward. He stares back at him. Their facial features change slightly as they internally argue with one another.

Rosalie: Oh, stop doing that! We don't know what the hell you're talking about!

Alice: Leave my man alone!

The music fades, the song stays incomplete and the scenery changes to the Biology room.

**ACT 1, SCENE 5**

Edward is already sitting at a desk when Bella walks into the room. The fan in front of the cold classroom blows through Bella's hair. Edward reacts violently, grabbing his nose as if he's smelled raw sewage. He grips the desk, his knuckles white and looks sick.

Bella moves to sit next to Edward as instructed by the teacher. He lets go of his nose and turns away from her, holding his breath. He pushes something on the Biology table toward her and exhales.

Bella tries to inconspicuously smell her pits.

Edward:  
_Your blood  
__Tantalizes me  
__Your blood  
__Mesmerizes me  
__Your blood  
__Drives me insane!_

Chorus:  
_Give him  
__Blood, blood, blood  
__Gallons of the stuff  
__It will never be enough_

Edward:  
_I can't name it!  
__I can't change it!  
__It's singing to me!  
__Calling  
__To me!  
__Only meeeee!_

Chorus:  
_Let him drink from you  
__And it'd never be enough  
__Give him your blood, blood, blood_

Edward:  
_You can't see  
__How I must keep my control  
__Brace myself  
__Against attacking you  
__Sucking you dry  
__Like I  
__So very want to!_

Chorus:  
_Watch out  
__There might be a flood!_

Edward and Chorus:  
_There's something about your blood!_

Edward:  
_Oh, bloody, bloody hell!_

The bell rings and Edward gets up out of his seat and leaves as quickly as he can. Bella continues to sit in her chair, stunned at Edward's reaction to her.

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Thanks for reading! If you actually like this, please drop me a line to let me know.


End file.
